‘People Kill People’

Aug. 15, 2006 – In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the
Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people
from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.

The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and
hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department
of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror

“We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people
were involved,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a
Washington press briefing. “These new rules send the strong message that the
FAA has zero tolerance for people.”

Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive
step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether. “Let’s face it,
hair gel doesn’t kill people,” he said. “People kill people.”

The Homeland Security secretary acknowledged that the new rules would
curtail Americans’ ability to travel, but added, “On the plus side, that
will make them easier for us to spy on.”

The FAA’s ban on people onboard flights raised questions for the nation’s
airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be

But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of
Minnesota, said that the FAA’s crackdown on people could be a “win-win” for
the airlines: “Maybe if the airlines don’t have people to worry about, they
can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right destination.”

Elsewhere, Al Qaeda disavowed responsibility for a terror plot to make
Americans’ laptops burst into flames, blaming it instead on Dell.


Posted in Humor.